Have you been naughty or nice this year? Your life may depend on it! Most sane people think Christmas is about elven exploitation or exchanging wrapped pairs of socks. There’s an unknown place where holiday lights don’t glow—the dark side of Christmas. Stories, myths and ancient legends used to be shared during the holiday season, just like forgotten ornaments that once hung on a pretty spruce tree.
Are you gonna survive Christmas with your soul intact? We’ll see.
Only Give Designer Clothes
The Yule cat ((JÓLAKÖTTURINN) devours the souls of people not properly dressed for Christmas. Fork out those big bucks for Nike, Dior, and Coach, or risk turning into the goose on Yule cat’s dinner table. Yeah, sorry, but no cheapskates allowed this year, grandma. Showoff your new threads and prove you’re worthy to live one more year. Good boys and gals are awarded scarves and mittens. Bad boys and gals have to live the rest of their short lives in the coat they wore last year. The Yule cat preys upon the rotten kids…you know the ones…the kind of kids who don’t earn their new coat. Now go put on your beanie or the Yule cat is gonna spit out a human-sized hairball, and it just might be you.
Don’t Trash people
Frau Perchta, a winter witch, eviscerates rude people and replaces their vital organs with nasty garbage. If you’re ugly, you gotta be ugly from the inside out. Do you want spoiled Ramen noodles instead of a spleen? Don’t you dare be a bitch on Christmas Day or you may find a rusted, leaky battery where your heart used to be—good luck charging that mofo!
Just Be Good For Krampus’ Sake
Krampus only give one present for Christmas—a yuletide beating. You learned your manners, right? Krampus doesn’t nibble on sugar cookies or drink milk! The goat-demon terrorizes misbehaved little misfits, and that’s how the demon gets its fill. All the young runts fear Krampus, that’s the only reason why they take out the trash or clean dishes. Not because it’s the right thing to do…because they fear being chastised by a goat-demon. Clean your damn dishes. Or else.
Don’t Kill Spiders! Kidnap Them Instead
Don’t have any cash to spend on Christmas tree tinsel? No problem! Kidnap a local spider and place it inside your bare spruce tree. The arachnid will supposedly feel sorry about your current financial situation and may spin a magical thread. Make sure you weep during the night. Try to make it sound believable. Wait until morning and voila! Sunlight transforms the icky spider web into silver tinsel. If you ever see a spider in someone’s pretty spruce tree, well…now you know why. Think about all the moolah you’ll save during the holiday season, because now you never have to buy expensive tinsel. Nice.
Donate Your Cash to Needy Folk
Don’t hoard all the cash, you greedy grinch! Belsnickel is a nosy demon who sniffs out dough in your hidden pockets. If he finds any Benjamins stuffed in your pockets or pillowcase, watch out! Belsnickel will whip your stingy ass with a thorny switch till your skin sloughs off like a banana peel. He’s the Robin Hood of demons who demands monetary donations for the poor. He gives you two choices: go broke or go dead. Which will it be? Choose wisely (ask for advice from the Three Kings), because oh no-no-no….Belsnickel is gonna come collecting, you motherfucker.
Sleep With One Eye Open
You gotta lot to worry about this holiday season: blizzards, black ice, fruitcake…and demons. Yup. Demons. Not just any demons—mischievous ne’er-do-wells. Kallikantzaros stalk the frigid nights during the winter solstice, and their only duty is to make your cozy life a living hell. They’ll drink all your spiked eggnog or eat the nutritious ornaments hanging from your pretty spruce tree. These pint-sized pests hack away at the Tree of Life, but the winter season is apparently their off-season. Kallikantzaros are filled with pent-up aggression so they don’t have the patience to count past the number 3. They also hate coriander but that’s completely understandable. Everyone hates coriander. Do you wanna survive Christmas with your soul intact? Guard the bowl of spiked eggnog because if you feel something looking at you, it’s probably Kallikantzaros. Good luck, my jolly friend.
It takes real guts to survive the holiday season, and if Frau Perchta hasn’t paid you a visit, then all your squishy innards should be intact. Don’t be rude, and remember to earn your new mittens or the Yule cat will devour your pathetic soul. Kidnap a few spiders and you could save some major dough. Christmas is not just about unwrapping gifts. Hug your soul tight, my festive friend, or demons just might steal your Christmas spirit away.
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