Death likes to take it nice and slow. She’ll twirl around the pole of life, and strip away pieces of garments. Some people pay their hard- earned money to see Death up close and personal. She flirts with our mortal fears. All you have to do is enjoy the show.
Victims portrayed in shitty horror scenarios rarely have the pleasure of dying a quick death, right? Their life begins to extinguish long before a rusted axe cleaves their skull. The mood is set before the deadly deed is done. Gore porn fanatics don’t care who becomes worm food—they just want to see how they become worm food.
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out who’s going to bite the big one.
Gee….is it going to be the pretty lady wearing the sports bra and denim shorts? How ’bout the shirtless meathead roaming around in the dark woods? When we hear the branch snap, that’s when Death starts swinging around the pole. When the shadows start to move, that’s when Death starts revealing the bits you paid your hard-earned money to see. When the dumb meathead gets devoured by insatiable zombies, that’s when we see the money shot.
Shallow characters may explode like a cherry bomb, but they can’t spontaneously appear out of a creative vacuum. Drunk campers, pretty torture victims, overzealous heroes, maniac slashers—the stage has to be set before any action takes place. Cheap horror teases fatal possibilities. Death voyeurs knew Derrick was going to die before he became a zombie snack…even if his dumb demise was quick, the cheap foreplay left a strange taste in our mouth.
You can’t just spray blood and guts everywhere, right? The audience needs to be warmed up first.
We may not know a damn thing about Derrick, but we knew he was going to die, and that’s what matters. No one wanted to see Derrick toss around a pigskin, or score a touchdown. No one wanted to see Derrick ask Caroline out on a date. Who the hell is Caroline? We never even knew who Derrick was!
Death loves to tease, like when a clumsy college student trips while running away from something infected with blood lust. What happens to people who trip?
They end up getting fucked.
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